Sunday, November 9, 2008

A New Beginning

Let me preface this all by saying there are no words in the English language to aptly describe the state my room was in. English wasn't designed to deal with horror on such a scale. It was appalling, it would have made my mother weep. You know that feeling when you spill sugar or salt on the kitchen floor and then walk on it barefoot? You know how irritating that is? That's how my floor was all the time. So yeah, it was bad.

Something like that.

Now I don't consider myself to be incredibly type-A like my older sister, in fact I'm so laid back I may in fact be around type-G or H. But there is a line, and having a filthy filthy room is definitely across that line.

But believe it or not, this entry isn't about how I cleaned my room, although it sort of is, it's like a metaphor (though that sentence was a simile....) Just hang on, it'll make sense I promise.

The way I got around to cleaning my room was by living in this terrible state for so long until I finally discovered that it was impacting my life in a very negative way. I didn't clean it before because I seemed to be getting along fine and to perhaps a larger extent, I was intimidated by the scope of it.

That's the same way I cleaned out some parts of my old life. Without getting too terribly contrived in the backstory, for the past 7 years of my life I've been clinging to this girl in some aspect or another. For 7 years I would've given nearly anything to be with her and I held on to the idea that one day, everything would change, that it was just a matter of waiting, even long after I knew if I wanted what I was waiting for.

Now at this point I could try and blame movies for instilling a false sense of what romance is like, but to be honest it wasn't movies. ( I can still blame movies for instilling a sense of how awesome it is to drive a car into a helicopter though.) It was me.

It was me. All along it was me.

So on the heels of this epiphany I realized something: I could let go. Now I don't mean to sound incredibly creepy or anything like that, but I had a box that had letters, tickets, and all sorts of sentimental knick-knacks. I can remember nights where I'd read through some of those old things and cry, and that box was so important to me that it was one of the things I shipped here to college.

Last night I ripped up and threw away everything inside it.

Before it sounds like I just went on a crazy rant, there is something important to realize. At no time last night did I feel angry or spiteful or anything less than resolved. It wasn't a moment of passion where I cried while burning photos or anything like that, it was just me acknowledging that part of my life as over, and getting rid of the old baggage that held me back, and what would have seemed so impossible to me not but 3 months ago was in fact so very easy once I started. I remember holding a letter in my hand and tearing it in half, and I felt relief. For seven years I'd been looking for closure on this, and last night it emerged from the scraps of paper.

The letters were the big thing, but I also shut down my old blog that was filled with my vague musings on the situation, and I shut down my myspace that was filled with messages about the situation. In essence I've got no more chains, I'm free.

So why now? Because I'm growing up. Because I've realized you shouldn't devote your life to someone who wouldn't be willing to do the same for you, and that you should love someone who loves you back just as much. Love isn't about not making mistakes, but it's about correcting them, and it's not about things being easy, but it's about the courage to do things that are hard.

I've come so far in the last 2 months, I've grown up more in the last 2 months than I think I have in the last 2 years. Though to be fair it wasn't an overnight transformation, I can see that in most ways I had already let go over the course of the past year, but last night was the finale. And now that I've resolved the biggest issue of my teenage life, I can start to fix the mistakes that I've made.

That's why you should clean your room kids, because it will change your life. =)

(Also it's nice to not have plates serving as petri dishes on your desk)

5 comments:

Ashley said...

Your room made me have all sorts of Psycho-esque stabby noises go off in my head. Seriously, you would have killed Mom. O___O

But, on a more positive note, I'm really glad to read this. I'm glad I have a brother whom I can be proud of for his character, not just his achievements. I really hope that now, as this new page in your life opens up, you'll be able to experience much more joy.

SPIRITed! said...

This post really made sense because, well, I just closed a chapter of my life too and you know what? Getting over someone or something results in this wild moment of air-punching and relief. Now, I find myself concentrating on better things like living my life. And trying to get into Harvard. I hope I bump into you in Cambridge sometime in 2011.
Till then, take care.

Edie said...

Coke is bad for you. Drink Vitamin Water instead (can you tell that midterms have caused me to be newly addicted to that stuff?)

But I'm proud of you.

Edie said...

The fake picture of your room, of course.

Ahana Datta said...

wow...looks suspiciously like my room...except my mom doesnt weep, she shouts. Ouch!